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Monday, July 29, 2013
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Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Grief and Loss
If you have ever lost a mate, who you loved, then you know how difficult it is to go on with your life. It is a severe heart-wrenching pain that seems to tear you apart, leaving you unable to deal with the day to day activities. When my husband died, very unexpectedly, I wanted to die as well. Had no desire to go on alone. My soul seemed to be as dead as he was, there was no reason to go living, the purpose of my life was no longer there.
After the first few days and the funeral (of which I remember little), was over, I was left with a hole in my heart that could not be filled. Friends and families returned to their normal, everyday lives while I was left empty, with a closet full of his clothes and worries about how I was going to survive financially as well as emotionally. I ate little, no sense cooking, no one to cook for. There was no joy - he was not coming back through the door, not ever again, nor would I ever see his smile and hear his hearty laugh. My birthday came and went five days after he died, the grandfather clock he had had delivered the day before he died, my gift, was a constant hourly reminder, yet I treasured it.
As a health professional, I had done CPR unsuccessfully, and self-doubt of my skills haunted me. Later it was concluded that he died from a brain stem aneurism, that it had been instantaneous, but he was still gone. I had not been able to save the love of my life, the reason I got up everyday. I tried to find solace in going back to work, I had loved caring for my patients and enjoyed the friendship of other staff members, but now they just irritated me. I was filled with anger at those who happily went on as before, as my grief consumed me. I had had grief in my life when my new born, who had been premature had died, but the intensity had faded with time. This grief kept me constant company, sat on my shoulder, I wondered if it would ever go away.
Thanksgiving Day, his favorite holiday followed a few weeks after my birthday, so what, I did not care, just wanted to get through it. Went to my daughter's house and went home as soon after as possible. There was no thanksgiving in my heart, only the constant ache of loneliness. The food was probably good, but what few bites I took had no taste. I cried most of the way home, how I hated that empty house. I was so angry with him for leaving me behind. I left his voice on the answering machine and listened to it often, till my kids demanded that I take it off. It was too painful for them, when they called to check on me. I noticed the scent of his cologne was fading in the bathroom. I so missed the impromptu hugs while I was doing dishes, or cooking. I missed going out to eat, going out to restaurants had been a favorite past-time. Now I stayed home, as I could not bear to see couples together enjoying themselves.
That was 11 years ago, and my loss is just as intense, whenever it let myself think about it. Days stretch on into more lonely days, yet I have survived. I have happy memories that help sustain me. Everyday is still a struggle, some more so than others, humans were not meant to be alone. Birthdays, anniversaries, Father's Day and Thanksgiving are still reoccurring events that remind me of what I lost, but also of my children and grandchildren who also miss him.
Life goes on, no matter what has happened to us. We are such a small entity in the grand scheme of life that we do not matter as individuals, and will vanish with time. We must go on, our faith to steady us, until our last days. Trying to do good, not harm and living one day at a time has made it possible. Friends and family, enjoying all that is around us and being thankful for what we have at this moment is what is important. This to will pass!!
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Monday, February 25, 2013
Death & Grieving - The Three Phases - Advice For Dealing With Grief
There is very little training available for coping with death or help for dealing with grief. We come into this world with very little and we leave on the same terms, but along the way we become richer in what we learn, who we love and the memories that we store.
Our loved ones share in our development, success, failures; loves, losses and their memories of times with us build along life's journey. So when we depart, it is those fond memories we leave behind for others to remember, and if that can be our focus during periods of grief, then grieving can be a positive emotion instead of a memory of loss.
Life provides no preparation for the loss of a fond soul and we usually don't know what to expect until we experience a major loss and begin to suffer the consequences.
When we grieve we can experience all kinds of sensations. Some feel the impacts physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. The important thing to remember is not to be afraid to grieve. In denial some try to put their grief aside and "get over it," but this only delays the healing process, as it is thought that there are three distinct phases of grief.
Shock and Denial
This is usually the first reaction to death. A feeling of numbness, disbelief that a loved one has gone, when we temporarily enter into a world of unreality, but during this phase we gradually adjust our minds to begin to accept the loss.
This is a very difficult time, we find ourselves in a state of constant grief and unbearable pain. We swing back and forth between believing the loss has happened and denying the possibility that it has. It is very important that you allow yourself the time to adjust to the loss and to come to terms with it as part of coping with grief - This phase can last for several weeks.
Turmoil and Disorganization
Our world enters in to a state of not coping and complete turmoil, we are experiencing grief at the loss of a loved one and at the same time we are trying to adjust to what we perceive as an empty world without that person in it. This phase can be very testing for us and those around us as they watch and try to support us. We can become extremely intensely focused upon the reality of our loss, but at the same time we will try almost anything to escape it.
Our body can enter a phase of total exhaustion and extreme emotion, and the grieving person will often experience mood swings, which can be dramatic and hurtful for those around us. Normal emotions during this phase can include anger, extreme sadness, depression, despair and jealousy towards others who haven't suffered the same loss.
This phase develops, allowing people begin to understand all the implications of the loss and start to rebuild their life - This phase can be a case one step forward and two steps back and can last a year or more before it concludes.
Recovery
The recovery phase is a time that is also referred to as the acceptance or reorganization phase. The period of total chaos and turmoil eases as we move to a point of new balance. Life moves on with fond memories, but without the intense emotions of grief that were experiencing earlier. We become aware that the physical signs of their grief are beginning to fade and we feel more able to cope with life in a positive way and are much less exhausted than we once were.
The pain of the loss remains, but the unbearable intensity of it recedes, and we begin to rebuild our lives and experience hope again. Life seems possible again, new focuses develop, life's routines adapt and our ability to interact without that feeling of constant heartache subsides. Love, laughter and new memories will never replace old ones and they shouldn't as these are held in a special place in our heart, but space is created to develop new ones and we should never feel guilty about allowing a new life to begin.
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As a leading authority on with the financial services sector in the UK, Mark Leaper of http://www.moneymatchmaker.com has many years experience in delivering consumer advice, tips and information for dealing with life's challenges. For more information about Coping with death, arranging a funeral or a prepaid funeral plans, go to http://www.funeraldirectorsukdirectory.co.uk.
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Saturday, February 16, 2013
Headstone Sayings & Quotes
A headstone saying, quote, or epitaph is an inscription on a tombstone in memory of the one buried there. It gives a brief literary piece commemorating a deceased person. Some headstone sayings or quotes are taken from biblical scripture, poetry, or notes what the person was best known for.
The final stage of burial is the laying of ashes or body in the ground or vault. When you place a loved one in a cemetery, the headstone is the final piece that identifies their grave. They often are short reflections of the person's existence and highlights their personality or accomplishments.
Headstone sayings & quotes can also come in the form of comfort to the surviving family members. Nevertheless, they are unique sayings personal to the deceased. "Rest in Peace" is a popular headstone saying that is well known and often used.
Some people can get an idea of headstone sayings by walking around a cemetery and reading some of the headstones. It's important to personalize the headstone by selecting a phrase that is appropriate for the deceased. Remember that this will mark their grave forever.
Headstone sayings do not have to be lengthy phrases but rather can be short phrases that contain words relating to the deceased. For example, a saying for a religious father who served in the military, may read-"Loved God, Family, and Country".
There are also headstone sayings that contain longer phrases. Such as this epitaph for a man from Texas which reads "An amiable father here lies at rest As ever God with his image blest. The friend of man, the friend of truth, The friend of age, the guide of youth."
Headstone sayings & quotes can be thought provoking to the passerby. One such headstone may read: "My good people as you pass by as you are now so once was I. As I am now you soon will be, prepare yourself to follow me." They can contain various themes but the most important aspect of writing an epitaph is to make sure it reflects the person's personality or character.
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For more headstone sayings & quotes and funeral resources, visit The Funeral Program Site where you will find a wealth of information that can assist you in the details of the funeral or memorial service. This website offers beautiful funeral programs that highlight your loved one's life, obituary help, poems, readings, and scripture verses.
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Saturday, February 9, 2013
The Five Stages of Grief After a Relationship Break Up
When there has been a dramatic change in our lives we feel a sense of loss for what has been. This is true if a long term relationship has ended or even a shorter term relationship where we have felt very intense emotions and love.
You are in fact feeling the emotions of grief. By understanding the stages of grieving you can move on more quickly to a point where you can rationally decide your next steps for the broken relationship. This may mean moving on from a relationship totally or making plans to get back together with your ex.
Not everyone follows the 5 stages of grief in order, sometimes stages are missed all together. Sometimes you may move backwards and forwards through the stages in a roller coaster of emotions. Everyone is different. By understanding the grieving process you will recognise what is happening and this empowers you to take control.
The Five Stages of Grief
1. Denial
When you have broken up you may initially feel numb. You know the relationship has ended but can not take it in that you have actually broken up. You hope that things will be "OK" later in the day or that things will be back to normal in the morning. The denial stage rarely lasts long as your ex does not come back home or return calls etc.
2. Anger
When you break up you often feel angry and look for someone to blame. Often rational thoughts go out of the window and we look to punish the person we feel is to blame for the break up of the relationship. This can be a very dangerous stage of grief. In a rage you may take some actions that will destroy any chance of getting back together with your ex, or even may be illegal and get you into serious trouble.
3. Bargaining/Buying your ex back
Some people actively try and buy back their ex and offer some sort of deal to get back together with their ex. This would include things like offering to move house, give up friendships or things you enjoy in return for a relationship. While this may seem OK in the short term, the underlying issues why the relationship broke up in the first place are not addressed so the new relationship rarely lasts. It also makes you seem desperate to your ex and may drive them further away.
4. Depression
When the anger about the relationship break up is over, you can often feel depressed. Everything feels hopeless; you have no energy, feel paralysed and don't know what to do next. This is when you realise fully that the relationship has ended and you will feel there is nothing you can do that will have a positive outcome. Depression is a difficult stage as often you will not have the energy to make changes to come out of it. Recognising the depression stage of grief is important and taking small steps and setting goals to come out the other end helps. If you find you are depressed for a while or are thinking of harming yourself, please seek professional help.
5. Acceptance
The final stage of grief is acceptance; you agree and accept that the relationship has ended. Now is the time to start making changes to move on. At this stage you will also be able to rationally think if you do actually want to get back together with your ex or to put the relationship behind you.
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