Why It's Okay to Talk to a Deceased Loved One

Is it a bit unusual to have a conversation with a deceased loved one? Do many people do this? And are there any benefits to such action? What will my friends think if they find out? These questions are not uncommon in the thoughts of those mourning the death of a loved one.

Briefly, talking to someone who has died is common for many. There are a considerable number of people who pray and talk to their deceased loved ones on a regular basis. And no, it is not at all unusual since the practice has a long history. In fact, some Christian denominations believe in the doctrine of the Communion of Saints. This involves the belief that deceased loved ones who are in heaven are able to intercede to God for those on earth.

Grief Loss

As for your friends and what they might think, I would suggest that is the least of all things to worry about. That is their problem, not yours. Of course, you don't have to tell them anyway. I say all of this because I recommend to most of the people in my support groups to talk to the loved one whenever they feel it is needed. Why? Because it is obviously very beneficial. Here's seven reasons why the practice is useful in dealing with transition.

Why It's Okay to Talk to a Deceased Loved One

1. It provides comfort in transition. For many people who talk to their deceased loved one the action itself is comforting. They are doing something that eases the burden of accepting the fact that the loved one is not physically present.

2. It gives motivation to work to adjust to a new world. Having a real or imaginary conversation with a loved one, when dealing with massive change, may provide the extra push to deal with a difficult problem. If you believe your loved one can hear you, then ask for help in tackling the problem--see what pops into your mind after asking a question. If you don't believe your talk is heard, but is simply using your imagination, then after asking a question imagine what your loved one might say in response.

3. It is a way to demonstrate loving in separation. Talking out loud or silently to your loved one is another example of loving in separation through remembrance. He/she is always a thought away in your heart and it may well be an important way for you to remind yourself that love never dies and you will always have a relationship though separated. There is nothing untoward with honoring the dead every day in this way, if you are so inclined.

4. It can be used it as a wake-up ritual. Rituals, whether formal or informal, can provide a major way of establishing priorities or new routines when coping with loss. They are also a way of honoring the deceased. Starting the day off, as many survivors do, with greetings or remembrance to the deceased before getting into the hustle and bustle of the day, is a hopeful way to begin your day.

5. It is an effective emotional release. Many widows speak to their deceased husbands to express feelings. This action is not only mentally and physically appropriate but it allows a freedom of expression not often found when interacting with others. "It makes me feel he's still around" said one mourner.

6. It can bolster confidence. "I feel better" said one woman after speaking to her deceased loved one. Others suggest a talk can diminish the feeling of being alone. Still others use a conversation to ask for a sign that the loved one is okay in another existence.

7. It gives peace to be able to tell a loved one when something happens. When living alone, many widows talk to the deceased loved one, especially in the evenings when in need of companionship. Do what you feel comfortable with and that gives peace of mind, which is a major factor in evaluating the awareness and use of mystery in a world steeped in "seeing is believing."

Because we live in a world designed to keep the spiritual and the soulful on the periphery, does not mean that we cannot intelligently choose to speak to a deceased loved one. There is nothing weird about doing so. It is obviously very useful and strengthening for millions. And no one can explain how this interaction may work, and it's not necessary to have an explanation.

We know that spiritual traditions around the world suggest praying to deceased loved ones. The best-selling author, Thomas Moore, insightfully recalls part of his mother's legacy: "My mother honored the dead and communicated with her ancestors constantly. She taught me this piece of practical mystical theology, and I will continue to follow her way.

Depending on your belief system, incorporate conversations with your loved one as a way to cope with your loss and reinvest in life. As one woman who was engaged to be married told me recently, "It's been over eight years and I still converse with him [her first husband]. I tell him to go out there and help our son." This woman is as grounded as anyone you would want to meet, and has learned to incorporate nonphysical reality into her lifestyle. You can too, and live life more fully.

Why It's Okay to Talk to a Deceased Loved One

Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, the popular Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and is one of the founders of Hospice of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His free monthly ezine website is http://www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com

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Solution - Focused Therapy

Most types of psychotherapy involve exploring feelings, being validated, finding explanations, exploring wishes and dreams, setting goals, and gaining more clarity. Every therapist has unique ways of working with clients, based on his or her personality, training, and views of how people change.

A solution-focused therapist is likely to do the following:

Grief Loss

1. Instead of going over past events and focusing on problems, the therapist helps you envision your future without today's problems.

Solution - Focused Therapy

2. During the course of therapy (often as few as 3 to 6 sessions), the therapist helps you discover solutions.

3. The therapist encourages you to identify and do more of what is already working.

4. The therapist guides you to identify what doesn't work and to focus on doing less of it.

5. The emphasis is on the future, not the past.

6. SFBT therapists believe that the client is the best expert about what it takes to change his or her life.

7. The therapist's role is to help you identify solutions that will remove the barriers to having the life you want.

Solution-Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT) is a process that helps people change by constructing solutions rather than dwelling on problems. This type of therapy tends to be shorter-term than traditional psychotherapy. Steve de Shazer and Insoo Kim Berg of the Brief Family Therapy Center in Milwaukee are the originators of this form of therapy.

The SFBT therapist helps the client identify elements of the desired solution, which are usually already present in the client's life. The client learns to build on these elements, which form the basis for ongoing change. Rather than searching for the causes of the problem, the focus is on defining the changes and making them a reality. The two key therapeutic issues are: (1) how the client wants his or her life to be different, and (2) what it will take to make it happen.

Creating a detailed picture of what it will be like when life is better creates a feeling of hope, and this makes the solution seem possible. The therapist helps the client focus on the future and how it will be better when things change. It is important to develop a set of specific, detailed goals. These goals drive the therapy process and keep it focused and efficient.

Why SFBT Is Usually Short-Term

SFBT therapists don't set out to artificially limit the number of sessions. A good brief therapist will not focus on limiting sessions or time, but rather on helping clients set goals and develop strategies to reach those goals. Focusing on the client's goals and the concrete steps needed to achieve them usually takes less time than traditional therapy, in which the client typically spends many sessions talking about the past and explores reasons and feelings. SFBT therapists aim to provide clients with the most effective treatment in the most efficient way possible so that clients can achieve their goals and get on with their lives. As a result of this focus, the counseling process often requires as few as six sessions.

Types of Problems That SFBT Addresses

Solution-Focused Brief Therapy is an effective way of helping people solve many kinds of problems, including depression, substance abuse, eating disorders, relationship problems, and many other kinds of issues. Since it focuses on the process of change rather than on dissecting the problem, more serious issues do not necessarily require different treatment. The SFBT therapist's job is to help clients transform troubling issues into specific goals and an action plan for achieving them.

In The Miracle Method, authors Scott D. Miller and Insoo Kim Berg describe how to create solutions with these steps:

1. State your desire for something in your life to be different.

2. Envision that a miracle happens and your life is different.

3. Make sure the miracle is important to you.

4. Keep the miracle small.

5. Define the change with language that is positive, specific, concrete, and behavioral.

6. State how you will start your journey rather than how you will end it.

7. Be clear about who, where, and when, but not why.

Signs That You Should Consider Seeing a Therapist

There are several ways to know when you would be doing yourself a favor by finding a licensed, professional therapist to work with.

1. You've tried several things on your own, but you still have the problem.

2. You want to find a solution sooner rather than later.

3. You have thoughts of harming yourself or others.

4. You have symptoms of depression, anxiety, or another disorder that significantly interfere with your daily functioning and the quality of your life. For example, you have lost time from work, your relationships have been harmed, or your health is suffering. These are signs that you need the help of a trained, licensed professional.

Solution - Focused Therapy

Garrett Coan, MSW, LCSW is Founder and Director of the Center for Creative Counseling, a team of expert and licensed therapists and coaches providing phone and internet counseling services to clients throughout the United States and worldwide. To arrange a no-obligation, complimentary consultation, call 1-877-958-4769 or visit them on the Web at http://www.creativecounselors.com

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