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7 Rules For Managing Grief and Loss

Grief and loss are inherent parts of life. No one gets off scott free from facing the emotional and physical pain of accepting the death of a loved one. Yet, all too frequently, we maximize our pain out of a lack of insight into the reality of major change and the common problems of adapting to life without the beloved.

Here are seven rules that will help in the challenge to deal with the inevitable changes to be faced and re-orienting to a new and different life.

1. Never allow thoughts to turn into actions without your full consent. Negative thoughts pervade most loss experiences. We tend to look back at what we lose and ahead to all the real and imaginary obstacles that have to be faced. This occurs in an atmosphere of fear and confusion which maximizes our concerns. Then a universal law takes effect: what we focus on expands. In this case, fear grows and the obstacles appear insurmountable. There is nothing wrong with being scared in facing the new and here is how you can deal with it.

7 Rules For Managing Grief and Loss

Full consent always implies deliberation. Deliberation means reasoned dialogue and thinking. Frequently, get with those you trust to share all concerns and ask for feedback on your thoughts. Let the fear, guilt, or loneliness out. Not easy to do, but the results will be essential in making the right choices and defusing limiting beliefs and fears. Doing the right thing will take courage that you can muster with help from friends. Use them with humility.

2. Be open to new ideas, assumptions, and beliefs. Loss challenges our beliefs about life and death. Grief is a time when reevaluating the way we were taught that life is, usually has to be challenged. There is more to its mystery than our little version. For most, there is a lot to learn, especially in how to accept impermanence.

Big, life-changing events often cause us to examine our values and put things in perspective. Revising beliefs will also bring new meaning to loss and an easier reinvestment in life. In reality, loss is a great teacher of the importance of relationships, humility, and gratitude.

3. Allow failure to be viewed as a normal part of coping well. Accepting failure as a tool for learning always spawns success. Having been utilized for centuries, it is just as true for coping with loss as it has been with some of the greatest inventions.

Be aware that we are programmed early in life to expect immediate success or to feel we are not up to the task. Examining where we make mistakes, and taking action to rectify them, is the road to follow. See failure when grieving as a friend, as part of your education about loss and life.

4. Start reconnecting as soon as possible. Loss and the emotions that accompany it are strong forces of isolation. Isolation especially hinders your ability to adapt and accept the new conditions of existence. Everyone needs a variety of connections; they are surefire lifelines. Do this: strengthen connections to your faith, friends, work, and mission because it is critical to reinvesting in life and developing new routines.

New routines are an absolute must due to the absence of our loved one. Make these new routines into new habits, which is an important key to coping well.

5. Cultivate solitude on a regular basis. Take time out each day just for yourself. This is just as important as building your circle of interpersonal relationships. It is a positive state time leading to comfort, enhanced spirituality, and creative coping with your great loss.

Find a place where you enjoy being alone, a particular room in your home, an area in a park, at the beach, or some other natural setting. Give yourself permission to take a cry break or listen to soothing music. Take a walk by yourself. Meditate. Meditation will reduce your stress and raise your energy level. Give yourself a pep talk. Do what is best for you.

6. Trust your inner knowing. This resource is seldom consciously used. So listen to what your intuition and your body tell you about the choices to be made and the direction to travel. You have wisdom within, if you will take the time to be honest with yourself and listen. Then make yourself take that first difficult step in tackling whatever problem you have to face that day.

When discouraging thoughts start to build take action to stop the downward spiral by asking yourself "What do I need to do right now?" Listen to what comes up from your intuitive treasure, trust it, and reverse your direction. Keep repeating this new action.

7. Make the "D" word the cornerstone of your new life. Determination is a commitment you can make. Talk to yourself and say that you are going to prevail in this difficult adaptation. Write specific inspiring phrases on a 3 by 5 card that you can whip out and read when you start feeling the blues.

Then combine your self-coaching with getting up and moving into another room or going outside when things seem unmanageable. Consider calling a best friend or develop a method (create any affirmation) to interrupt the pattern of thoughts causing discouragement. With conscious determination you can redirect emotion.

All of the above can be worked on, one rule at a time. Remember what was said earlier: what you focus on expands. This not only holds true for fear and negative thoughts. It is just as powerful for visualizing yourself meeting and successfully negotiating a particular problem. It holds true for focusing on a positive memory or a gratitude memory. Those positive events will expand in importance and assist your transition.

7 Rules For Managing Grief and Loss
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Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, the popular Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and is one of the founders of Hospice of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His free monthly ezine website is http://www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com

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How to Get Through the Grief Process - For Widows Only - 3 Tips to Help You Process Your Grief

It's not easy burying the one you love. You, dear widow, may feel like you just can't make it without Him by your side. But, I am here to tell you, you can and you will. If I can do it, so can you.

Here are my three tips to get you through your grief process:

1. Expect the unexpected - This is important. So listen carefully. Whenever someone says something that causes you pain (and they will, I know) or, when that grief trigger hits (and it will, I promise), take one giant step back, inhale deeply, exhale. Do it again. Do it often. The act of deep breathing will help soothe and calm your raw nerves. And, it will act as a distraction as you work through your pain.

How to Get Through the Grief Process - For Widows Only - 3 Tips to Help You Process Your Grief

After that, whip out a pen and notebook (make certain to carry those two things with you everywhere you go) and write your feelings down. Putting your thoughts on paper before you open your mouth will help your brain wrap itself around the fact that your man is never coming back. And it may prevent you from saying or speaking unkindly to someone who simply doesn't understand, and probably never will. Of course, there will be those obtuse nosy, individuals who will need to be gently put in his/her place. But, until you are better in tune with your feelings, walk softly and carry a big pen.

2. Be prepared for anything/for everything/for nothing - You will have good days. These are the days you are able to work through your grief and can hold your head high. You will have bad days. These are the days you can't stop crying and you just want to pull the covers over your head and not get out of bed. And, there will be days in between. One minute, up; next minute, down. Relax. Go back to Tip #1.

3. Give yourself permission to grieve - Adjusting to life without Him by your side is difficult. There is no right way, no wrong way to mourn the best friend you ever had. There is only your way.

4. Reach out and touch someone - Don't be afraid to reach out to a counselor, a rabbi, a minister, or priest for advice and guidance.

Okay. That's more than 3 tips. But like I said in Tip #1, expect the unexpected.

It's not easy losing your soul mate. I know. But if you follow my tips outlined above, you will make it through. If I can do it, so can you.

How to Get Through the Grief Process - For Widows Only - 3 Tips to Help You Process Your Grief
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Linda Della Donna is a widow and freelance writer who supports individuals going through the grief process. You can learn more about Della Donna by visiting her website, http://www.griefcase.net and her blog, http://www.griefcase.blogspot.com. Feel free to email Della Donna at griefcasenet@gmail.com for a copy of her free ebook, "Treasury of Quotations."

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Sympathy Thank You - Etiquette and Ready to Copy Sample Letters of Sympathy

At such a difficult time in your life writing sympathy thank you notes can seem overwhelming. Who gets a note? What do you write? How long do you have to write letters of sympathy?

Firstly, it is no longer considered a "must" to send thank you notes after a funeral. Modern etiquette allows for much leeway during the grieving process, and it is a major breach in etiquette for someone to expect or be offended by a lack of a thank you card or note from the grief-stricken.

However, you may find that the task itself can be quite comforting. Any member of the family can send notes on the entire family's behalf or you can invite a friend or family member to come over to help you. Your funeral director can provide you with thank you cards or you can write notes on your personal stationery.

Sympathy Thank You - Etiquette and Ready to Copy Sample Letters of Sympathy

The process of writing the notes of thanks can help you remember the kindness of friends and provide you with an opportunity to remember your loved one.

If you opt to send a sympathy thank you, according to more traditional standards, the letters of sympathy are ideally sent within two weeks of services to the following people (however, even Emily post says there is no time limit):

o Pallbearers

o Clergy

o Friends and loved ones who provided services such as babysitting, food, or driving in the funeral procession

o Anyone who sent flowers, donations, long hand-written letters of condolence, photos or gifts

A thank you note is not necessary (but can be sent) for short cards of condolence or for attendance of services .

Sample Letters of Sympathy

It is okay to keep your note brief. One or two sentences are fine. Here are a few general samples:

Sympathy Thank You Sample #1

Dear Joanne,

Thank you for sending such beautiful flowers. (or insert other instance such as help baby-sitting, lovely photo or video of cherished loved one, driving in the funeral procession, etc.) Your generosity and support during this difficult time is greatly appreciated. Thanks again.

Sincerely,

Christine Murphy & Family

Sample Letter #2

Thank you for the lovely flowers and attending the services. Although this is a sad time for all of us, I find comfort in knowing how fortunate, Robert and I have been to know you.

Remember to be very kind to yourself and take as much time as you need.

Sympathy Thank You - Etiquette and Ready to Copy Sample Letters of Sympathy
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For more ready-to-copy sympathy thank you samples for pallbearers, close friends, and donations and other letters of sympathy visit: My Thank You Site Sympathy Page. Christy Murphy is the creator of http://www.my-thank-you-site.com/ which provides free, ready-to-copy sample thank you notes for all occasions, including funerals, baby showers, along with other practical tools to demonstrate and attract gratitude in every day life. She is a writer, public speaker, and comedian, who has been featured on numerous television shows including CNN's Showbiz Today, Australia's Seven News, and CBS News in the U.S. Thank you for reading her bio.

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How to Cope with Anticipatory Grief

Anticipatory grief is the name given to the mix of emotions experienced when we are living in expectation of loss and grieving because of it. Anticipatory Grief is particularly relevant to those who have received a terminal diagnosis and for those who love and care for them.

Terminal diagnosis changes the very structure of our existence, takes away our control and our ability to hope and plan for the future. When someone we love is given a terminal illness, we become painfully aware of the fragility of life and may even fear for our own mortality.

Living in expectation of death, causes us to experience many of the symptoms and emotions of the grief suffered when a loved one has actually died, including; shock, anger, denial, physical and emotional pain, helplessness and sorrow. Depression is common and changes in eating, sleeping and bowel habits may also occur.

How to Cope with Anticipatory Grief

Prognosis increases our turmoil; it is inevitable that we begin counting down the days to the estimated time of demise and see the dawn of each day as bringing us closer to it. Some may feel a sense of surrealness and an inability to fit back into the pattern of life prior to diagnosis, this often intensified by the reaction of friends and acquaintances, who may be dealing with their own shock and dismay at the news and not knowing what to do or say, avoid us.

It may be some time before we can truly accept that our loved one is dying and during this time we may experience alternate periods of acceptance and denial. Often, necessity brings about acceptance for the Carer as they need to make decisions regarding the best options available for the care of their loved ones. The patient however, may choose not to accept the prognosis and it is important for the carer to recognise and support their need to live in hope of a cure. Hope, is paramount to quality of life for their loved one and may even contribute to their longer survival.

Whether our grief is anticipatory or grief due to the death of a loved one, there is a very real need to talk to someone about the roller coaster of emotions we are experiencing. This however is not always easy to do, due to a number of reasons which may include; trying to remain strong for the patient, trying to remain strong for the children, trying to put on a brave face for other family members and friends.

Counseling, though readily available, is resisted by many, who believe that no one could possibly understand what they are feeling, nor do anything about the outcome.

Speaking from my own experience of anticipatory grief due my husband's terminal illness, I initially had these feelings and it was with some trepidation that I went to my first counselling session. Upon hearing my story, the counsellor cried, further strengthening my opinion that she could not possibly help me. I was mistaken; after a few visits I began to see the benefit of these sessions and looked forward to seeing her each week. Here, for a short time at least, I could stop acting as if everything was okay - when nothing was okay, here I could take off my brave face and let my defenses down.

The only trouble with counseling is that it may not always be available when you need it. I highly recommend keeping a personal diary for these occasions. During the two years of my husbands terminal illness, my diary was without a doubt, my strongest coping tool, I wrote in it daily, often in the form of poetry, pouring my anger, my fear and my heartache on to the pages. Periodically, I would read back through it and through this I came to know myself very well - later I could see my strength coming through.

Excerpts and poems from my diary now form a major part of my book "Lean on Me" Cancer through a Carer's Eyes.

How to Cope with Anticipatory Grief
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Article written by: Lorraine Kember – Author of “Lean on Me” Cancer through a Carer’s Eyes. Lorraine’s book is written from her experience of caring for her dying husband in the hope of helping others. It includes insight and discussion on: Anticipatory Grief, Understanding and identifying pain, Pain Management and Symptom Control, Chemotherapy, Palliative Care, Quality of Life and Dying at home. It also features excerpts and poems from her personal diary. Highly recommended by the Cancer Council. “Lean on Me” is not available in bookstores - For detailed information, Doctor’s recommendations, Reviews, Book Excerpts and Ordering Facility - visit her website http://www.cancerthroughacarerseyes.jkwh.com

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Grief Stages With Loss of a Parent

No one is ever prepared, for that phone call, telling them to come home because Dad is being taken to the Hospital. For the last 18 years, anytime that my Dad was taken to the hospital I always caught up with him in ICU, which was my reality. With living two hours away, I called the hospital to find out how well he was doing. The nurse told me that the Doctors are working on him; she would see how everything was coming along. The nurse comes back and said "Hold please, as I transfer your call" anticipating speaking to a Doctor my call had been redirected unknowingly to the hospital Chaplin. Well, let me tell you this is one way to have you move through the grieving stages head on. The shock of having the Chaplin on the other end of the phone removes all possibility of denying the reality that my Dad was gone. The only words that came out of my mouth were "How long ago did he pass away?"

This is when the most challenging days come to life. Dealing with and not being able to avoid life with loss, loss of a parent, dealing with the death of a parent, life after loss. I found myself living in a fog. I was simply going through the motions as if I was on autopilot, living life day by day. I felt there was no support for the grief I was experiencing. The wave of emotions travelled from shock to numbness, from fear to panic, and from anger to resentment. Grief grieving is a personal process that has no time limit or right or wrong way of coping with death.

The dynamics that emerged from the family unit with the loss of a parent along with loss of a spouse can be overwhelming. Grieving children and a grieving spouse all feeling the loss and each one dealing with grief grieving by going through the grief stages in their own way. There are 7 stages of grief: the first is shock, denial, and isolation, the second is pain, guilt, and fear. The third and the forth of the grieving stages are anger and bargaining accompanied with depression, reflection and loneliness as the fifth. Sixth is the upward turn and reconstruction of and working through the stages of mourning followed lastly by acceptance.

Grief Stages With Loss of a Parent

I felt that I was on the outside look in, watching my Mom and my sisters. Emotions were running high, everyone's reactions varied. There was no denying that the shock and realization had set in. We all were experiencing not only one but many of the grieving stages at once. Mom and my sisters were crying, becoming angry, and feeling the effects of depression seeping in. I am not the type to cry but I found that I was feeling guilty that I had no tears for my father. I was deeply saddened and in disbelief because I just couldn't wrap my head around the fact that my Dad was gone. I was stuck and not allowing myself to go through the stages of mourning.

While sitting on the steps by the kitchen I was listening all that was being said and just taking it all in. I was withdrawing myself from being emotionally attached in this very moment. Everyone was becoming frustrated with the anger that was being projected by my sister and my Mom. It was being directed towards objects, strangers, along with friends and family. When we feel out of control the guilt of not being able to control the pain makes us angry. So, what is anger? Anger is not an emotion; it is a reaction of what we have no control of. This feeling that had developed with the realization and the pain that emerged from not being ready in dealing with the death of a parent also grew into not knowing how to cope with stress.

My one sister had unresolved issues that she was dealing with, for instance, not taking the opportunity to say "I'm Sorry", "I Love You", and "Good-bye" the way she would have liked. My other sister was having a difficult time coping with death as she was not able save her father before the paramedic arrived.

It is difficult to come to terms with the new reality, especially one that is not of your choosing. Living life day by day and grieving with death as well as dealing with the Death of The Parent can be the one thing that could pull a family away from one another and/or bring them closer than ever. Everyone goes through different types of emotions when an incident occurs but it was my father's passing that made such a drastic difference in my family. We lost someone we all loved, admired, and learned so much from through the years. Not only was he there for all of us but my family, were in a way, forced to connect differently once he was gone. My mother and sister's had different opinions and went through different emotions trying to deal with grief and loss. At the end of the day, there is no right or wrong way when dealing with loss because it is a completely personal experience and all depends on the relationship and connection we have with that person.

Grief Stages With Loss of a Parent
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Freda Kralj invites you to visit her website http://www.griefgrieving.com. Living life with loss and learning to breath through the pain. Going through the stages of mourning is a personal experience, there is no right nor wrong way, If you would like to learn how to move froward with life with loss, you will love her blog. It's full of strategies that will lighten your life, improve relationship with family and friends.

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