If you have ever lost a mate, who you loved, then you know how difficult it is to go on with your life. It is a severe heart-wrenching pain that seems to tear you apart, leaving you unable to deal with the day to day activities. When my husband died, very unexpectedly, I wanted to die as well. Had no desire to go on alone. My soul seemed to be as dead as he was, there was no reason to go living, the purpose of my life was no longer there.
After the first few days and the funeral (of which I remember little), was over, I was left with a hole in my heart that could not be filled. Friends and families returned to their normal, everyday lives while I was left empty, with a closet full of his clothes and worries about how I was going to survive financially as well as emotionally. I ate little, no sense cooking, no one to cook for. There was no joy - he was not coming back through the door, not ever again, nor would I ever see his smile and hear his hearty laugh. My birthday came and went five days after he died, the grandfather clock he had had delivered the day before he died, my gift, was a constant hourly reminder, yet I treasured it.
As a health professional, I had done CPR unsuccessfully, and self-doubt of my skills haunted me. Later it was concluded that he died from a brain stem aneurism, that it had been instantaneous, but he was still gone. I had not been able to save the love of my life, the reason I got up everyday. I tried to find solace in going back to work, I had loved caring for my patients and enjoyed the friendship of other staff members, but now they just irritated me. I was filled with anger at those who happily went on as before, as my grief consumed me. I had had grief in my life when my new born, who had been premature had died, but the intensity had faded with time. This grief kept me constant company, sat on my shoulder, I wondered if it would ever go away.
Thanksgiving Day, his favorite holiday followed a few weeks after my birthday, so what, I did not care, just wanted to get through it. Went to my daughter's house and went home as soon after as possible. There was no thanksgiving in my heart, only the constant ache of loneliness. The food was probably good, but what few bites I took had no taste. I cried most of the way home, how I hated that empty house. I was so angry with him for leaving me behind. I left his voice on the answering machine and listened to it often, till my kids demanded that I take it off. It was too painful for them, when they called to check on me. I noticed the scent of his cologne was fading in the bathroom. I so missed the impromptu hugs while I was doing dishes, or cooking. I missed going out to eat, going out to restaurants had been a favorite past-time. Now I stayed home, as I could not bear to see couples together enjoying themselves.
That was 11 years ago, and my loss is just as intense, whenever it let myself think about it. Days stretch on into more lonely days, yet I have survived. I have happy memories that help sustain me. Everyday is still a struggle, some more so than others, humans were not meant to be alone. Birthdays, anniversaries, Father's Day and Thanksgiving are still reoccurring events that remind me of what I lost, but also of my children and grandchildren who also miss him.
Life goes on, no matter what has happened to us. We are such a small entity in the grand scheme of life that we do not matter as individuals, and will vanish with time. We must go on, our faith to steady us, until our last days. Trying to do good, not harm and living one day at a time has made it possible. Friends and family, enjoying all that is around us and being thankful for what we have at this moment is what is important. This to will pass!!
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