When there has been a dramatic change in our lives we feel a sense of loss for what has been. This is true if a long term relationship has ended or even a shorter term relationship where we have felt very intense emotions and love.
You are in fact feeling the emotions of grief. By understanding the stages of grieving you can move on more quickly to a point where you can rationally decide your next steps for the broken relationship. This may mean moving on from a relationship totally or making plans to get back together with your ex.
Not everyone follows the 5 stages of grief in order, sometimes stages are missed all together. Sometimes you may move backwards and forwards through the stages in a roller coaster of emotions. Everyone is different. By understanding the grieving process you will recognise what is happening and this empowers you to take control.
The Five Stages of Grief
1. Denial
When you have broken up you may initially feel numb. You know the relationship has ended but can not take it in that you have actually broken up. You hope that things will be "OK" later in the day or that things will be back to normal in the morning. The denial stage rarely lasts long as your ex does not come back home or return calls etc.
2. Anger
When you break up you often feel angry and look for someone to blame. Often rational thoughts go out of the window and we look to punish the person we feel is to blame for the break up of the relationship. This can be a very dangerous stage of grief. In a rage you may take some actions that will destroy any chance of getting back together with your ex, or even may be illegal and get you into serious trouble.
3. Bargaining/Buying your ex back
Some people actively try and buy back their ex and offer some sort of deal to get back together with their ex. This would include things like offering to move house, give up friendships or things you enjoy in return for a relationship. While this may seem OK in the short term, the underlying issues why the relationship broke up in the first place are not addressed so the new relationship rarely lasts. It also makes you seem desperate to your ex and may drive them further away.
4. Depression
When the anger about the relationship break up is over, you can often feel depressed. Everything feels hopeless; you have no energy, feel paralysed and don't know what to do next. This is when you realise fully that the relationship has ended and you will feel there is nothing you can do that will have a positive outcome. Depression is a difficult stage as often you will not have the energy to make changes to come out of it. Recognising the depression stage of grief is important and taking small steps and setting goals to come out the other end helps. If you find you are depressed for a while or are thinking of harming yourself, please seek professional help.
5. Acceptance
The final stage of grief is acceptance; you agree and accept that the relationship has ended. Now is the time to start making changes to move on. At this stage you will also be able to rationally think if you do actually want to get back together with your ex or to put the relationship behind you.
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