No one is ever prepared, for that phone call, telling them to come home because Dad is being taken to the Hospital. For the last 18 years, anytime that my Dad was taken to the hospital I always caught up with him in ICU, which was my reality. With living two hours away, I called the hospital to find out how well he was doing. The nurse told me that the Doctors are working on him; she would see how everything was coming along. The nurse comes back and said "Hold please, as I transfer your call" anticipating speaking to a Doctor my call had been redirected unknowingly to the hospital Chaplin. Well, let me tell you this is one way to have you move through the grieving stages head on. The shock of having the Chaplin on the other end of the phone removes all possibility of denying the reality that my Dad was gone. The only words that came out of my mouth were "How long ago did he pass away?"
This is when the most challenging days come to life. Dealing with and not being able to avoid life with loss, loss of a parent, dealing with the death of a parent, life after loss. I found myself living in a fog. I was simply going through the motions as if I was on autopilot, living life day by day. I felt there was no support for the grief I was experiencing. The wave of emotions travelled from shock to numbness, from fear to panic, and from anger to resentment. Grief grieving is a personal process that has no time limit or right or wrong way of coping with death.
The dynamics that emerged from the family unit with the loss of a parent along with loss of a spouse can be overwhelming. Grieving children and a grieving spouse all feeling the loss and each one dealing with grief grieving by going through the grief stages in their own way. There are 7 stages of grief: the first is shock, denial, and isolation, the second is pain, guilt, and fear. The third and the forth of the grieving stages are anger and bargaining accompanied with depression, reflection and loneliness as the fifth. Sixth is the upward turn and reconstruction of and working through the stages of mourning followed lastly by acceptance.
I felt that I was on the outside look in, watching my Mom and my sisters. Emotions were running high, everyone's reactions varied. There was no denying that the shock and realization had set in. We all were experiencing not only one but many of the grieving stages at once. Mom and my sisters were crying, becoming angry, and feeling the effects of depression seeping in. I am not the type to cry but I found that I was feeling guilty that I had no tears for my father. I was deeply saddened and in disbelief because I just couldn't wrap my head around the fact that my Dad was gone. I was stuck and not allowing myself to go through the stages of mourning.
While sitting on the steps by the kitchen I was listening all that was being said and just taking it all in. I was withdrawing myself from being emotionally attached in this very moment. Everyone was becoming frustrated with the anger that was being projected by my sister and my Mom. It was being directed towards objects, strangers, along with friends and family. When we feel out of control the guilt of not being able to control the pain makes us angry. So, what is anger? Anger is not an emotion; it is a reaction of what we have no control of. This feeling that had developed with the realization and the pain that emerged from not being ready in dealing with the death of a parent also grew into not knowing how to cope with stress.
My one sister had unresolved issues that she was dealing with, for instance, not taking the opportunity to say "I'm Sorry", "I Love You", and "Good-bye" the way she would have liked. My other sister was having a difficult time coping with death as she was not able save her father before the paramedic arrived.
It is difficult to come to terms with the new reality, especially one that is not of your choosing. Living life day by day and grieving with death as well as dealing with the Death of The Parent can be the one thing that could pull a family away from one another and/or bring them closer than ever. Everyone goes through different types of emotions when an incident occurs but it was my father's passing that made such a drastic difference in my family. We lost someone we all loved, admired, and learned so much from through the years. Not only was he there for all of us but my family, were in a way, forced to connect differently once he was gone. My mother and sister's had different opinions and went through different emotions trying to deal with grief and loss. At the end of the day, there is no right or wrong way when dealing with loss because it is a completely personal experience and all depends on the relationship and connection we have with that person.
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Freda Kralj invites you to visit her website http://www.griefgrieving.com. Living life with loss and learning to breath through the pain. Going through the stages of mourning is a personal experience, there is no right nor wrong way, If you would like to learn how to move froward with life with loss, you will love her blog. It's full of strategies that will lighten your life, improve relationship with family and friends.
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