If you are counting down the days to Christmas and New Year festivities with dread this is perfectly understandable. Your life has been turned upside down by the loss of your loved one, be it husband, wife, partner or close family member or friend.
At times the loss appears to be insurmountable. But as with everything we do, while it doesn't heal, time puts a distance between the grief and hurt and loss.
We know that Christmas is supposed to be a joyful time with family and friends. But that special person will be missing over the holidays. How are you going to cope?
My initial reaction to the first Christmas alone was to hide away. I wanted to close the door and wake after the whole holiday period was over. I felt that I couldn't face friends and family enjoying themselves and could not participate in the celebrations in any way. However, and fortunately for me, friends and family had other ideas. They too were grieving and suffering loss. The special person was missing from their lives too and would be missed during the holiday season. But they were adamant that I would be included in any celebration they had, even if I did not feel like celebrating.
In the lead up to Christmas we have much to think about and for a time this can take away our constant thoughts of being alone. We still have to organize present buying for others even if we don't really want to get into the swing of Christmas. Remember to be aware of the expectations you set yourself. First and foremost, acknowledge that you are grieving for the loved one. Then look at the expectations you have of your friends and family. They are also grieving for your loved one. Don't expect too much of any of them either. But remember it's OK to laugh and remember your loved one with joy. Share the happy memories with your friends and family and let them share theirs with you. Try to look back with joy and gratitude at the life you have shared. There will be many things to remember and to share and laugh about.
I recently discovered that lovely poem by Henry Scott Holland (1847-1918) Canon of St Paul's Cathedral entitled 'Death is Nothing At All'. This poem sets out how I know my loved one would want me to feel about his death. Some of the words that are particularly meaningful at this time of year (or actually at any time) are 'Call me by my old familiar name Speak to me in the easy way which you always used put no difference in your tone wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow laugh as we always laughed'
We can learn lessons from everything in life. I learned a lot from my late husband's death. But I also learned a lot from his life. I know he wouldn't want me to wear a solemn expression all the time. He would rejoice that on occasions I forget and smile and laugh. The most valuable thing I have learned after losing my soul mate is to value the people around me more and not to take them for granted. Who knows how long we will have them?
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When I was first alone I was fortunate in having close friends and supportive family to help me acknowledge and cope with my devastating loss. Since that time I have discovered an amazing program called Move from Grief to Joy [http://www.griefandlosssupport.com] The program is full of ways to help you move through the stages of grief and live a normal, interactive life again. With this program [http://www.griefandlosssupport.com] grief becomes manageable and you can survive.
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